Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
