I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
my shit smells like andre
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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