she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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