Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
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