dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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