My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
