I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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