people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
