Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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