i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
