So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You are a booty call, not a friend.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
