i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
