Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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