Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hello my rib-scented angel!
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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