Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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