1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
