Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
