pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
