I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
