i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
