I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
