having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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