Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
