me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
