Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
