dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
