My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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