Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
