shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
