so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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