what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
