Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
