fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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