true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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