i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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