In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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