Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
