I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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