my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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