In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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