Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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