i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
