I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
