I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
