You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
