I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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