Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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