I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I have demons in me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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