Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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