walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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