my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
