At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
