i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
