my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
